God Can't

Sunday, March 23, 2025

Third Sunday in Lent

Georgi Persons (she/her)

Founder, Jenna’s Kindness Hearts and LoveJennaP

Allied Christian

[Content Warning: Suicide]

I was raised on a farm in one of the corners of Iowa, attending a tiny Baptist church at least 3 times a week during my childhood. As I became an adult and wandered deeper into evangelicalism, I thought God could do anything. When my oldest came out as transgender, suddenly God seemed to be holding each one of my deeply held beliefs up for inspection. And while I assumed doubting Him would weaken my faith, I found my faith becoming stronger, because God had blown apart the box I had Him in. He opened my eyes to the beautiful rainbow of His creation. I found myself changing my mind, and God just seemed even bigger and more amazing.

But. There’s always a but, isn’t there? Then our youngest, our amazing 21-year-old daughter, died by suicide. In fact, she died the day after attending Bible study with me. And suddenly the doubts were back and my faith was failing. God could do anything, couldn’t He? Then why didn’t He choose to save her? There were a million ways He could have prevented this. Why did He, in my eyes, do nothing?

What I’m finding is I need to go a lot deeper into what I believe – again. When I think about the phrase “God is love”, what exactly does that mean? What is love? If God cannot deny Himself, and is always faithful, how does that coexist with the evil that happens in this world? Love can’t want evil to occur, yet it does. Does that mean God can’t stop it, or won't?  I have always believed that a good God could, but if he can't, that's not the same as won't.  I can't believe in a God that won't.

I don’t have the answers – yet. I still believe that someday I will be reunited with my daughter, and all my questions will be answered. Until then, I will continue to question, to probe, and to ponder what I believe. And to keep hoping.